My Sexual Awakening: Part One

The First Time.

I remember the first time. I’m grateful to remember it because I didn’t write about it in my journal. It would be months before I could admit to myself what was happening. And just as long to begin to journal it. In lieu of a journal entry, this is what I remember about the first time.

While curled up on the sofa one night, I felt a masculine energy press against me. He was the big spoon to my little spoon. I was both surprised and comforted. It felt loving, gentle, and kind. I allowed the energy to envelope me and hold me close.

Next, I heard him. He asked if he could. I felt safe and signaled my willingness even though I didn’t quite know what that meant. My soul was guiding us, including giving consent. I trusted the process.

What I felt next was a sexual experience. He held me and pulled me close as he penetrated me. It was bliss. Next, I felt gentle, loving thrusts. It was slow, tender, and beautiful. It felt too good and loving to resist, so I didn’t. I surrendered to the spiritual sexual encounter.

It felt like Divine love. Peace, love, and light. I trusted it and I wanted it. I suppressed as many questions as I could and allowed myself to experience it mindfully.

It had been years since I had known a loving touch, and it felt so good. I also remember being nervous about my post-breast cancer body. My sexy had not come back since my double mastectomy.

This was my first sexual experience since long before my cancer diagnosis. It brought up a lot of emotions. Questions and emotions. Not only about my body, but also about how long I had set aside my sexuality.

Sometime after that first time, I realized that I had de-prioritized my need for sex and physical intimacy. I had neglected myself, and no longer knew myself and my desires. In hindsight, it was a foretelling of the lessons and growth to come from my sexual awakening.

That night on the sofa, once the spiritual sexual energy passed, I looked up and around me. I was still fully dressed in my pajamas. I was the only one in the room. No one else was there. What I had experienced; I had experienced alone.

It was the first spiritual sexual experience of my sexual awakening, but not the last. It was the beginning of a process that is ongoing and serves my soul’s purposes. Everything we did then connects to what we are doing now.

My sexual awakening has been a large part of my spiritual awakening. They are intertwined. And it is finally time for me to share this aspect of me and share the process.

I’m excited to write about my experiences with my sexual awakening. Primarily because I know I’m not the only one experiencing a sexual awakening. I can’t be. It doesn't make sense.

It is more likely that there are many of us experiencing a sexual awakening. We need support or at least some representation. We need to tell our stories and help others experiencing similar awakenings. For some of us sexual love is part of our spiritual awakenings and spiritual paths.

I was sent the message recently that sexual love is Divine love. All love is Divine love. I now know that message was for this post. There is no shame in our sexual awakenings. There is only love.

The image was created in Canva.

I’m grateful you’re here. I love you.

Be well, beautiful soul,

Nikki