Another Breakdown and Some Soul Magic

As I wrote last week, I received the message of soul “integration” coming. When I asked what that meant, I received no guidance. It was something I wasn’t to know yet and had yet to experience.

What happened next shook me to my core. It wasn’t integration. It was healing. In the form of another round of late stage awakening breaking down. As far as integration goes, well…it hasn’t happened yet.

Breakdown for Breakthrough.

I’ve experienced it before and have written about it for the blog, but I will never get comfortable with them. Late stage awakening energy purges are the worst. I refuse to sugar-coat it.

They are a combination of ego death and trauma release. This time I experienced it over the course of two days. It wasn’t pretty.

Shortly after I felt the energies, I knew my ego was crashing out again. I didn’t think about it being a late-stage spiritual awakening purge cycle which may have given me some trust in the process. Instead, I thought “oh shit here it comes”.

The energies exploded out of me like a toxic volcano. Rage, pain, and despair spewed from me like so much steam, smoke, and ash.

I took a long walk for no known reason. I followed guidance. The walk helped stir up the energies to release them. I couldn’t see it at the time, and I felt no better. I was full of piss and vinegar as my grandma would have said.

By the time I got home, I was broken. Trust was broken. It broke me like a horse is broken. It was shattering. Illusion shattering. I suppose that’s the point.

I curled up on the bed and begged to be left alone. Repeating over and over to let me off the roller coaster. I needed it to end. I begged for my spiritual awakening to end. I didn’t want to continue.

Eventually the energies, my energies, began to calm. That evening it was as if nothing happened. It was a quiet evening. Eventually, I fell asleep with the tv on.

On the second day I woke up calm but then the energies began to repeat during my morning meditation. I didn’t want to continue but I didn’t have a choice. The volcano of emotions was still erupting.

Childhood trauma and adulthood trauma began to come up. I recognized their patterns rippling through time. It was pain on top of pain.

I dissolved. Gave up. I asked to be released. I raged at Spirit for ruining my life and begged for them to let me go. I prayed for my spiritual awakening to end.

After that part of the process, I fought back. I lashed out. Boundaries were created from past pain. It hurt like hell. Like actual hell. I pushed back and set boundaries until I had nothing left to fight with.

The Surrender.

I never said the word “surrender”. I just gave up. There was nothing left within me to give or to fight with. I gave up on life. I gave up on my awakening process. I gave up on it all.

My mind still raged on, and trauma energies continued to flow. The tears kept pouring. I couldn’t take it anymore.

From somewhere within me I heard, “I can’t control it anymore. I can’t control my mind or the energies. If you want it to stop, spirit, you have to stop it.”

And I guess that’s what constituted surrendering or asking for help, because that’s when things started to change. I heard another intention come from within me and we began to release all remaining energies.

Every releasing intention I use was employed. My body relaxed and my mind quieted. Intuitive guidance started to pop up. Next steps, not for life, but for the moment. “Make another cup of tea.”

I followed guidance and received another intuitive message. “The last and final time.” I ignored that message. My trust had been broken. I no longer believed and was not open to my soul’s messages.

After a while I received another message. “The last and final time before integration. I swear.” My soul, Flame, was trying to reassure me.

The Magic.

The rest of day 2, I remained in bed. I was exhausted and emotionally raw, spent, depleted. My soul, Flame, and spirit kept coming in with downloads and upgrades. I let them. I no longer cared.

When they sent messages, I asked them to leave me alone and let me rest. Which they did, kind of. They stopped speaking to me, but the downloads continued.

Then my soul began sending me the same song over and over. It is a compilation of songs from the movie Pitch Perfect, 2012. It’s the scene near the end of the film where the Treblemakers are singing their final number.

“And it may just be more of the same. But sometimes you wanna go where everyone knows your name. So, I guess I’ll have to wait and see. But I’m just gonna let something brand new happen to me. It’s alright. It’s alright… Bright lights and the big city…” The scene goes quiet, and another performer begins another song, “I’ve got the magic in me. Every time I touch that track it turns into gold. Everybody knows I’ve got the magic in me.”

Over and over. I kept hearing it as it was in the film with the actors singing it. If you’ve seen the film, you know what I’m talking about. Pitch Perfect is great and I recommend it if you like musicals.

So, here I was at the end of two days of excruciating breakdowns and my soul was singing about letting something brand new happen to me and having the magic within me.

The next day I began to feel myself again. I knew I needed a new plan for my life. What I was doing wasn’t working and my needs were not being met.

I started poking and prodding for a new direction for my life. The song became louder. There was a message, but I continued to ignore it. Until I couldn’t.

In my search for a new path, I found something that I was drawn to. My soul kept repeating the music which meant I was on the right path.

Eventually we, my soul and I, talked about the message. It had been a rough couple of days, and I was grateful for the support and encouragement.

The path forward is clear – for the moment. I’m being guided to pursue a dream I’ve had for a long time. I am trying my best to trust the path and process.

I am also trying to ignore past results and assume the song message is accurate. As the song says, I’m going to let something brand new happen for me.

My soul tells me we have magic within us, and we need to try something new. And that’s what I’m going to do. No expectations. No attachments. Just moving forward in a way that aligns with my soul.

There has been no “soul integration”. Nor have I noticed a breakthrough after another breakdown. My light is dim, and I feel empty.

For now, I’m letting my soul carry our light and, apparently, our magic.

Grateful.

In March there were more than 11,200 visits to my website from 106 countries. I am grateful to all of you and send you love and light.

There are so many of us waking up and choosing a spiritual life around the world. You are the light. We are the light.

Remember to bookmark the main blog page and come back to visit again.

I’m grateful you’re here. I love you.

Be well, beautiful soul,

Nikki